First Update (And Breakdown) of the Year 2019
Dear Violet and Allegra,
It's always at odd intervals when I decide to post on this blog. Especially nowadays I don't have much motivation to write. I haven't read a single word out of a novel over the last several months, and it shows in my inability to sit down and type. That is, of course, an exception to the two instances where I have had to do so for the assignments I have already been issued for the new school year.
Yes, Leg and Vi, in the time since I have written you a letter I have started my last year in high school. A couple of slightly significant changes have also taken place beforehand. For example, late last year I auditioned for my school's musical and got the lead role, but not just a regular lead role that I'm merely 'happy' about. Maria in West Side Story. The role I have always been set on having the chance to play in my life since I watched the film back in August last year. After my audition I begged my parents to drop me off to C's house since she also auditioned for the show. It took hours for it to be out, so C and I sat at a playground across the road from her house and had some deep, then shallow, then funny, then controversial conversations. It was a nice distraction from the nerves that were really taking over our anxiety-filled minds. But once the sun was about to set, we came back inside her house and she turned on her iPad and there it was, an email with the subject 'WSS Cast List'. I was screaming "Read it out loud I don't want to read it!" which practically deafened her (still have the sincerest of apologies for C if she ever reads this!), and she nodded at me. "Yep, you got the lead!" and the next second I wrapped my arms and legs around her. We even fell onto the floor as she was still holding her iPad and having a 17-year-old cling onto her like a koala. Since I got the news weeks before my final exams, I couldn't make myself study. I was over the moon -- over the entire galaxy, in fact. As I write this on the 16th of February, I have just completed my 3rd rehearsal for this show, well into the singing practices for this month. But now I've realized the elation has gone down.
Anxiety has been a big aspect of my life since year 7. It's also not helpful that it has to be a specific one that affects my social skills. As your mother I have probably told you by this point that I have done two other musicals prior to this one, and in both of them I have struggled to open myself to anyone associated with the show. I would sit silently on my phone in the corner of the rehearsal room, sit in my shared dressing room when it was empty, and I recall sitting downstage during sitzprobe when everyone would be all cuddled up in the upstage area. It didn't feel any different with today's rehearsal. My first session today was with Tony, and even though we know each other from doing drama three years in a row and also being in the two other musicals together, we still don't talk as much. It was always silent in between songs when the musical director would be consulting with the main director. There were times when we complimented each other's voices, but that wouldn't be necessarily considered decent conversation. In our other sessions when more people showed up for the ensemble songs, I would catch him talking to Anita and feeling guilty that I don't have that friendship with him. Why don't I have the ability to converse with people for longer than a mere couple of sentences? Other people who have that talent really do take it for granted. Part of why we don't get along is most likely because I'm not white, not part of the core group of year 13s, and need some genie to grant my wish of being a sociable person. The same kind of guilt is a theme in a later interaction I had with Rosalia, who offered to drop me off home and I refused. Now thinking about it, I should've accepted as she's the person who can really take me out of my silent habits, get me in a talking flurry. It's a quality I need to surround myself with in terms of interacting with people, and I missed out on it. The same conclusion has been drawn from similar experiences, and the fact I have failed to apply what I've learned from those means that I'm doomed to make the same mistake over and over again, and I simply won't ever change my ways.
In conclusion, Leg and Vi, I'll forever be shy and taciturn because of this stupid inability to overcome my anxiety. I really wish a genie could arrive right next to me at this moment, but sadly life isn't like that. Life won't stop until you up your own game. To quote the great Blair Waldorf, "Destiny is for losers. It's a lame excuse to wait for things instead of actually making them happen." God, it's such a contradiction to state that and remain passive about my mistakes and regrets. I guess I'll wallow in self-pity for the rest of this show. That really ruins the grandeur of living the euphoria in doing this wonderful role.
Not sure if I have love at the moment so I'll leave you with a
Take care,
Maui
It's always at odd intervals when I decide to post on this blog. Especially nowadays I don't have much motivation to write. I haven't read a single word out of a novel over the last several months, and it shows in my inability to sit down and type. That is, of course, an exception to the two instances where I have had to do so for the assignments I have already been issued for the new school year.
Yes, Leg and Vi, in the time since I have written you a letter I have started my last year in high school. A couple of slightly significant changes have also taken place beforehand. For example, late last year I auditioned for my school's musical and got the lead role, but not just a regular lead role that I'm merely 'happy' about. Maria in West Side Story. The role I have always been set on having the chance to play in my life since I watched the film back in August last year. After my audition I begged my parents to drop me off to C's house since she also auditioned for the show. It took hours for it to be out, so C and I sat at a playground across the road from her house and had some deep, then shallow, then funny, then controversial conversations. It was a nice distraction from the nerves that were really taking over our anxiety-filled minds. But once the sun was about to set, we came back inside her house and she turned on her iPad and there it was, an email with the subject 'WSS Cast List'. I was screaming "Read it out loud I don't want to read it!" which practically deafened her (still have the sincerest of apologies for C if she ever reads this!), and she nodded at me. "Yep, you got the lead!" and the next second I wrapped my arms and legs around her. We even fell onto the floor as she was still holding her iPad and having a 17-year-old cling onto her like a koala. Since I got the news weeks before my final exams, I couldn't make myself study. I was over the moon -- over the entire galaxy, in fact. As I write this on the 16th of February, I have just completed my 3rd rehearsal for this show, well into the singing practices for this month. But now I've realized the elation has gone down.
Anxiety has been a big aspect of my life since year 7. It's also not helpful that it has to be a specific one that affects my social skills. As your mother I have probably told you by this point that I have done two other musicals prior to this one, and in both of them I have struggled to open myself to anyone associated with the show. I would sit silently on my phone in the corner of the rehearsal room, sit in my shared dressing room when it was empty, and I recall sitting downstage during sitzprobe when everyone would be all cuddled up in the upstage area. It didn't feel any different with today's rehearsal. My first session today was with Tony, and even though we know each other from doing drama three years in a row and also being in the two other musicals together, we still don't talk as much. It was always silent in between songs when the musical director would be consulting with the main director. There were times when we complimented each other's voices, but that wouldn't be necessarily considered decent conversation. In our other sessions when more people showed up for the ensemble songs, I would catch him talking to Anita and feeling guilty that I don't have that friendship with him. Why don't I have the ability to converse with people for longer than a mere couple of sentences? Other people who have that talent really do take it for granted. Part of why we don't get along is most likely because I'm not white, not part of the core group of year 13s, and need some genie to grant my wish of being a sociable person. The same kind of guilt is a theme in a later interaction I had with Rosalia, who offered to drop me off home and I refused. Now thinking about it, I should've accepted as she's the person who can really take me out of my silent habits, get me in a talking flurry. It's a quality I need to surround myself with in terms of interacting with people, and I missed out on it. The same conclusion has been drawn from similar experiences, and the fact I have failed to apply what I've learned from those means that I'm doomed to make the same mistake over and over again, and I simply won't ever change my ways.
In conclusion, Leg and Vi, I'll forever be shy and taciturn because of this stupid inability to overcome my anxiety. I really wish a genie could arrive right next to me at this moment, but sadly life isn't like that. Life won't stop until you up your own game. To quote the great Blair Waldorf, "Destiny is for losers. It's a lame excuse to wait for things instead of actually making them happen." God, it's such a contradiction to state that and remain passive about my mistakes and regrets. I guess I'll wallow in self-pity for the rest of this show. That really ruins the grandeur of living the euphoria in doing this wonderful role.
Not sure if I have love at the moment so I'll leave you with a
Take care,
Maui
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