Alone, Not Lonely
Dear Violet and Allegra,
It's such an annoying thing to be criticized. My usual reaction to this occurrence is by acting upon it, and putting myself in the shoes of the person giving this opinion. However, when it comes to something as personal as my relationship status, I refuse to change.
I've had quite a journey accepting who I am as a person, including what I've experienced in the past and how my personality adjusts to those situations. This mainly began last year, where I believe the frequency of crushes I underwent in the 365 days was at its highest peak out of all years throughout my existence. It started out slow and subtle, sticking to this boy I liked from the year prior. Until we reached April when he left under mysterious circumstances. My next 'victim' didn't come around until June, when I fell for a year 13 guy in my drama class. As a younger year 12 being lower than him in the social hierarchy, my attempts at making him fall in love with me barely worked. He got into a relationship, ironically with a year 12, and I had to move on. Another interval of a couple of months then we reach late August, where I grew almost fanatic of a guy in my form class whom I barely talked to. I tried the usual -- I direct messaged him, approached him for questions about an internal, but it didn't work and he barely reciprocated.
I drew the line of liking boys once December approached. I had just finished exams, still in awe and shock about being cast as Maria, and focused on leaving my crappy job at McDonald's. Apart from the people at work I didn't really interact with people my age, so my feelings were on pause. Or should I say stop?
To an extent, it was a stop. I did catch the occasional feeling, however only on a superficial basis of appearance. During West Side I was surrounded by people I usually wouldn't interact with. Several conversations took place, I based my judgement off subtle topics and movements, and I was off with my feelings. They didn't reach levels as grandiose as the previous crushes. Looking back, I probably misconceived and in reality they were friend crushes. The only outcomes I perceived in my head were me hanging out with them in groups and potentially leaving the small group of friends I already had. There was the occasional thought that I can't explicitly say in this post. It's not worth risking embarrassment for my future self.
One of my greatest hopes is the ability to be completely upfront with my daughters, but I feel as though I might not be as honest as the mother figure you are aware of, so I may as well be upfront for this moment. Today is the second monthsary of the night we opened West Side, and a majority of the cast have moved on from the existence of being Jets and Sharks, including me, but one aspect of hinders that. I still get nervous whenever Tony and I are in the same room as I might have caught feelings for him through the show. As I wrote that last sentence and read it, I want to wring my brain out. He's not a guy people would usually fall for, and for those who do are overflowing with self-pity. Unusually he doesn't completely fulfill my criteria of a guy worthy of my affection, but I guess from the amount of times I've pretended to be in love with him I've just been unable to tell the difference from fiction and reality. This only repeats what happens with actors and eventually marrying their co-stars, only to divorce them after months once that project has ended. But I promise you, Tony won't be your father as I can't stand being in the same room as him, and we're eventually going different ways once this year finishes. He's going to star in the next production, I'm going to pursue science and apply for as many scholarships as my parents desire me to.
I'm not being completely honest. This isn't the last part of my experience with boys and potential crushes. There was a part I skipped out on prior to the 'falling for Tony' part. There was a guy who messaged me during my post-show pessimism phase. He flirted a lot and I went with it, however not completely. I still had the realization that I didn't know him in real life, and it was easy for me not to feel as possessed. In addition I looked through his photos and he didn't seem like my type physically. I told my friends about him once the conversations became more bland, and most of them were convinced I was gonna get into a relationship, especially the guy member (side note: if you're getting annoyed or confused that these people remain nameless, I grant you permission to ask your mother). This particular guy member has had an excessively long history of messaging girls, in hopes that he'll get into a relationship, so even up to this very day he emphasizes how much I should go out with the guy messaging me. I've told him many times that it's never gonna happen, but he remains hopeful. He even brought it up to my favourite teacher during a meeting at book club. I initially wanted to explain the situation, trying to say it isn't as interesting as it is, but he talked over me, using firm hand gestures to silence me, saying, "Marian, I'll do the explaining here. You're gonna make it worse than it sounds." I realized there was no point in interfering since he'll just shut me down again, so I had to go along with it and answer the incoming questions from my teacher. "How did this come about? Can I see what he looks like?" Other people who were there -- the rest of my friend group -- immediately pulled their phones out at the flash of a light to show the teacher and two other kids a year below us (it wasn't what I thought they would act, and I had never seen them act so eager about something before).
I guess this kind of situation is interesting to them as they know about my journey with guys and the inactivity in my life with this kind of aspect, but they need to understand that they should leave it alone. My journey with learning that I don't need someone to date is an accomplishment I am most proud of. Not only did I take a long time to understand it, but it's also a symbol of self-love and acceptance for who I am. I'm not implying that I'll deny opportunities as they come along. I'll always keep an open mind throughout my life, and I won't necessarily settle. Dating is a fun thing humans involve themselves with, and they can be as temporary or as permanent as the people involved wish for it to be. In the end of it all I'm happy with what I have. I'd rather realize my self-worth than force myself into a relationship with someone I feel nothing for.
All my love,
Maui
It's such an annoying thing to be criticized. My usual reaction to this occurrence is by acting upon it, and putting myself in the shoes of the person giving this opinion. However, when it comes to something as personal as my relationship status, I refuse to change.
I've had quite a journey accepting who I am as a person, including what I've experienced in the past and how my personality adjusts to those situations. This mainly began last year, where I believe the frequency of crushes I underwent in the 365 days was at its highest peak out of all years throughout my existence. It started out slow and subtle, sticking to this boy I liked from the year prior. Until we reached April when he left under mysterious circumstances. My next 'victim' didn't come around until June, when I fell for a year 13 guy in my drama class. As a younger year 12 being lower than him in the social hierarchy, my attempts at making him fall in love with me barely worked. He got into a relationship, ironically with a year 12, and I had to move on. Another interval of a couple of months then we reach late August, where I grew almost fanatic of a guy in my form class whom I barely talked to. I tried the usual -- I direct messaged him, approached him for questions about an internal, but it didn't work and he barely reciprocated.
I drew the line of liking boys once December approached. I had just finished exams, still in awe and shock about being cast as Maria, and focused on leaving my crappy job at McDonald's. Apart from the people at work I didn't really interact with people my age, so my feelings were on pause. Or should I say stop?
To an extent, it was a stop. I did catch the occasional feeling, however only on a superficial basis of appearance. During West Side I was surrounded by people I usually wouldn't interact with. Several conversations took place, I based my judgement off subtle topics and movements, and I was off with my feelings. They didn't reach levels as grandiose as the previous crushes. Looking back, I probably misconceived and in reality they were friend crushes. The only outcomes I perceived in my head were me hanging out with them in groups and potentially leaving the small group of friends I already had. There was the occasional thought that I can't explicitly say in this post. It's not worth risking embarrassment for my future self.
One of my greatest hopes is the ability to be completely upfront with my daughters, but I feel as though I might not be as honest as the mother figure you are aware of, so I may as well be upfront for this moment. Today is the second monthsary of the night we opened West Side, and a majority of the cast have moved on from the existence of being Jets and Sharks, including me, but one aspect of hinders that. I still get nervous whenever Tony and I are in the same room as I might have caught feelings for him through the show. As I wrote that last sentence and read it, I want to wring my brain out. He's not a guy people would usually fall for, and for those who do are overflowing with self-pity. Unusually he doesn't completely fulfill my criteria of a guy worthy of my affection, but I guess from the amount of times I've pretended to be in love with him I've just been unable to tell the difference from fiction and reality. This only repeats what happens with actors and eventually marrying their co-stars, only to divorce them after months once that project has ended. But I promise you, Tony won't be your father as I can't stand being in the same room as him, and we're eventually going different ways once this year finishes. He's going to star in the next production, I'm going to pursue science and apply for as many scholarships as my parents desire me to.
I'm not being completely honest. This isn't the last part of my experience with boys and potential crushes. There was a part I skipped out on prior to the 'falling for Tony' part. There was a guy who messaged me during my post-show pessimism phase. He flirted a lot and I went with it, however not completely. I still had the realization that I didn't know him in real life, and it was easy for me not to feel as possessed. In addition I looked through his photos and he didn't seem like my type physically. I told my friends about him once the conversations became more bland, and most of them were convinced I was gonna get into a relationship, especially the guy member (side note: if you're getting annoyed or confused that these people remain nameless, I grant you permission to ask your mother). This particular guy member has had an excessively long history of messaging girls, in hopes that he'll get into a relationship, so even up to this very day he emphasizes how much I should go out with the guy messaging me. I've told him many times that it's never gonna happen, but he remains hopeful. He even brought it up to my favourite teacher during a meeting at book club. I initially wanted to explain the situation, trying to say it isn't as interesting as it is, but he talked over me, using firm hand gestures to silence me, saying, "Marian, I'll do the explaining here. You're gonna make it worse than it sounds." I realized there was no point in interfering since he'll just shut me down again, so I had to go along with it and answer the incoming questions from my teacher. "How did this come about? Can I see what he looks like?" Other people who were there -- the rest of my friend group -- immediately pulled their phones out at the flash of a light to show the teacher and two other kids a year below us (it wasn't what I thought they would act, and I had never seen them act so eager about something before).
I guess this kind of situation is interesting to them as they know about my journey with guys and the inactivity in my life with this kind of aspect, but they need to understand that they should leave it alone. My journey with learning that I don't need someone to date is an accomplishment I am most proud of. Not only did I take a long time to understand it, but it's also a symbol of self-love and acceptance for who I am. I'm not implying that I'll deny opportunities as they come along. I'll always keep an open mind throughout my life, and I won't necessarily settle. Dating is a fun thing humans involve themselves with, and they can be as temporary or as permanent as the people involved wish for it to be. In the end of it all I'm happy with what I have. I'd rather realize my self-worth than force myself into a relationship with someone I feel nothing for.
All my love,
Maui
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