Its Name is Anxiety
Dear Violet and Allegra,
Every new year it's a tradition for me and my family to go to the fireworks display held in our local community, but I'm going to sit this one out. As the clock turns into the first 00:00 of the next decade, I'll be exactly where I am now, which is sitting/lying down on my bed contemplating why my mind is built the way it is.
Today I had an anxiety attack. That doesn't happen often for me, at least not in the last twelve months. Often I just put those damaging thoughts aside and distract myself by scrolling endlessly through my social media feeds. But today just had to be the day that those thoughts all built up and exploded, catching me completely off guard to the point where I cried in the parking lot of my workplace.
I think the negativity of my thoughts stem from my battle with social anxiety. Every time I have to immerse myself in a social situation outside of my close friend group or immediate family, my mouth dries out, making my voice weak and my words all slurred. It doesn't help that my job involves serving customers and working alongside a whole ensemble of outgoing people. Both parties have to be entertained with someone who can banter, be confident, and carry an infectiously positive energy. You'd think with my drama kid background I'd embody that already, but I just can't. Social anxiety prevails like a dictator, and my whole persona remains the nation under its rule.
It doesn't help that I'm the youngest coworker among my team, and possibly within the entire company. Every time I get approached by a customer who asks me a common question, if any of my coworkers were nearby, they would answer them before I even take a breath before responding. Then I realize there's no point in rehearsing my answers outside of work, when I should be thinking about my grades or other things that teenagers should put more concern toward. I can't ever speak up about my concerns in the fear that I'll be overpowered with either an "I'm trying to help you" or an "It's the way I do it, and the way I do it is correct" talk that will only strengthen the grip of my anxiety, and lead to another panic attack in a worse, more public setting.
This is where my heart breaks at the sight of my coworkers being able to freely express companionship toward each other, when I can't seem to break down the concrete wall of isolation between me and them. I notice that whenever one coworker finishes their shift earlier than the others, they leap to hug each other while all I get is avoidance of eye contact, but if I get lucky it's a wave or a cheerful "Bye, Marian! See you in the next time you're working!".What makes this worse is that I've barely been able to see my close circle of friends in the past couple of months, and even with them I feel lonely, so this wall that I've built continues to shut me out and I end up feeling more vulnerable.
What I'm afraid of is if I can't seem to control it now in my second ever job, it will probably remain that way for the rest of my careers. One of my dreams involve assuming a confident air on the stage/screen and the general public eye, while another dream shows presenting my research at international conferences that will progress change in the world. In a more intimate dream I wear a gold band with a diamond stone around my ring finger. These letters might not even have recipients in the first place. In the end, my vulnerability will be a big part of my life, and I think it will remain that way for the time I'm here on this earth.
Love,
Maui
Every new year it's a tradition for me and my family to go to the fireworks display held in our local community, but I'm going to sit this one out. As the clock turns into the first 00:00 of the next decade, I'll be exactly where I am now, which is sitting/lying down on my bed contemplating why my mind is built the way it is.
Today I had an anxiety attack. That doesn't happen often for me, at least not in the last twelve months. Often I just put those damaging thoughts aside and distract myself by scrolling endlessly through my social media feeds. But today just had to be the day that those thoughts all built up and exploded, catching me completely off guard to the point where I cried in the parking lot of my workplace.
I think the negativity of my thoughts stem from my battle with social anxiety. Every time I have to immerse myself in a social situation outside of my close friend group or immediate family, my mouth dries out, making my voice weak and my words all slurred. It doesn't help that my job involves serving customers and working alongside a whole ensemble of outgoing people. Both parties have to be entertained with someone who can banter, be confident, and carry an infectiously positive energy. You'd think with my drama kid background I'd embody that already, but I just can't. Social anxiety prevails like a dictator, and my whole persona remains the nation under its rule.
It doesn't help that I'm the youngest coworker among my team, and possibly within the entire company. Every time I get approached by a customer who asks me a common question, if any of my coworkers were nearby, they would answer them before I even take a breath before responding. Then I realize there's no point in rehearsing my answers outside of work, when I should be thinking about my grades or other things that teenagers should put more concern toward. I can't ever speak up about my concerns in the fear that I'll be overpowered with either an "I'm trying to help you" or an "It's the way I do it, and the way I do it is correct" talk that will only strengthen the grip of my anxiety, and lead to another panic attack in a worse, more public setting.
This is where my heart breaks at the sight of my coworkers being able to freely express companionship toward each other, when I can't seem to break down the concrete wall of isolation between me and them. I notice that whenever one coworker finishes their shift earlier than the others, they leap to hug each other while all I get is avoidance of eye contact, but if I get lucky it's a wave or a cheerful "Bye, Marian! See you in the next time you're working!".What makes this worse is that I've barely been able to see my close circle of friends in the past couple of months, and even with them I feel lonely, so this wall that I've built continues to shut me out and I end up feeling more vulnerable.
What I'm afraid of is if I can't seem to control it now in my second ever job, it will probably remain that way for the rest of my careers. One of my dreams involve assuming a confident air on the stage/screen and the general public eye, while another dream shows presenting my research at international conferences that will progress change in the world. In a more intimate dream I wear a gold band with a diamond stone around my ring finger. These letters might not even have recipients in the first place. In the end, my vulnerability will be a big part of my life, and I think it will remain that way for the time I'm here on this earth.
Love,
Maui
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