A Letter to My Twelve Year Old Self

Dear Violet and Olivia,

When I was twelve, fresh out of intermediate and just starting secondary school, I wrote a letter to my eighteen year old self. I read it on my eighteenth birthday once I came home from my dinner with friends and family, but I've been putting off writing back. While I have some time off of uni, I've decided to write back. Here's what the original letter said:

6/07/14
Dear 18-year-old Marian,

Hello! It's so lovely to write to you. How are you? I hope you are happy. Before you go to university, I have a few websites for you:
academicearth.org
en.wikiuniversity.org
selfcontrolapp.com
Speaking of university, what one are you choosing? Do you still aspire to be a psychologist? I hope you have scored an astonishing amount of excellences and merits, but mostly excellences.
I want to ask so many questions. But first, I will ask about your love life. Who is your special someone? Do I know him now? Is your relationship just like Corpanga's? What career path does he want to pursue? Is he Filipino? I hope you're treating each other correctly.
Secondly, how are Mummy and Daddy and [R]? Is [R] starting [My high school] smoothly? Has Mummy gotten a job? Is Daddy still working at [His current workplace]?
Next, what's happening in the world today? What's the jam for 2019? Let me guess, random beeping noises? Urghh. Who is the prime minister?
Are you still best friends with [C]? Have you reunited with [Y]? [Y] and I haven't been speaking for months now. There are occasional "What do we have next period?" questions, but that's about it.

Let's take a break from all of that questions and talk about what I'm doing now as a 12-year and 10-month-old girl, and when you reply to this letter you can tell me what you're up to as a new 18-year-old woman. You already know about the situation between me and [Y]. Here's my (make that our) perspective of it: (Note: I wrote the colon with hollow circles. How adorable.)

Me, [Y], [C*], [A], and [J] were watching [M*] (boy I had a crush on at the time) and the chess club play on the concrete chess board with the huge figures. I told [Y] I wanted to play chess with them. She then screamed out, "[M*]! Marian wants to play chess with you!" I then ran away and hid at the music suite. After lunch I went to [religious education] and [Y] said, "Marian! We were looking all over the school for you!" and started to beg for where I went. I didn't tell them until she sat next to [J]. I started to get furious at her because [Y] was our best friend. Flash forward to one week later. She told me that I wasn't letting her hang out with other people. That's what's bad about us, [Marian]; we don't let our friends talk and hang around other people because we are always around them. [Y] sent me a note saying that she needs to be free and socialise. Automatically I considered that that meant we wouldn't be friends anymore, so I let her go. I spent time hanging out with [J*] (remember her?) instead of being alone. Eventually, she got bored with me (that's how I consider it) and so I just sat alone. After a short period of getting to know myself, [C] also got shut out of [Y]'s sight and so she started to become friends with me again. It was very comforting to know that another person knew and understood how it feels to be shut out by the same 'friend'. 

Back to the questions. I want to know about your academic life. Did you actually get into one of the accelerate classes? Which one? Have you gone over national standards for one of your subjects? Which year at high school has been your favourite? What classes are you taking in year 13? 

Personal questions: have you gotten braces? Did you go to the Philippines for them? What's your favourite song? What TV show are you currently watching? What's your favourite song? Are you still a fan of 'Girl Meets World'? I got this question off the internet: Are you still Marian or someone else? Are you still operating 'Marian's Everyday Life' and 'Electra and Marian'? The last question is the most important, but for now I'll go on further with what I'm currently doing. It's the term 2 holidays and I'm planning to do some more studying so that I can get into the accelerate class for year 9. I'm also planning to clean the house up with Mummy and read and write as much as I can. Since [C] is in India for her relative's wedding, she is not going to be around for two weeks. She said that she's going to buy me a gift from Malaysia since her family and herself are stopping there in transit. To thank her for the gift, I am going to make loom bands for her and probably buy a journal.

Okay, here's the final question: Are you sure about what you're doing nowadays? You probably remember Daddy saying that before you make a decision for others, you have to make sure that you're comfortable with it yourself. 

Dear 18-year-old self, please don't forget to stop and look at the beautiful view. Remember how far you have gotten in life. There may be some burdens, but I know you can crush them. You go, girl!

I'm so proud of you,

12-year-old Marian.

"No matter how difficult life gets, always remember to live it with hope." 

- Topanga Lawrence, Boy Meets World (duh!)

2/07/2020

Dear 12-year-old Marian,

I've been putting off writing to you for so long that I'm already halfway through my first year at university. I did read your letter on the night of my birthday, after a lovely dinner with friends at an Italian restaurant. Unfortunately, I came home with a pounding headache in addition to feeling drained after hours of social interaction, so I didn't have the energy to write back immediately. However I also can't excuse myself for not writing during the summer months either. Let's just say I was preoccupied with anticipation to begin a new chapter in my life. 

I'm doing just fine. I've just finished my first semester and exams in the first year of my Bachelor's degree in biochemistry, so now I have all the free time to bake, write, and catch up on the movies and TV shows I put on hold to study for my exams. Totally sorry to tell you this, but one of the links you recommended for uni doesn't seem to be active anymore. I'm guessing it's because it's been seven years, and time is an ever-changing entity. Because I'm posting this letter to my public blog, I'll let you guess which university I'm currently attending: it's in a city you and our family visit from time to time. Despite this, you still can't navigate anywhere in the city without trusty Google Maps. I recommend brushing up on your geography skills, or the basic but underrated ability to follow an arrow on your phone. 

My psychologist aspiration seems to have gone out the window ever since I learned that getting a degree in three years would be better than four. However, I did apply for the psychology with honors programme and got accepted, but my intrigue with biochemistry has overpowered that. Developing medicines for diseases is definitely something I want to contribute to the world. Mental health remains just as important to me, and I still refuse to leave this planet without leaving some sort of positive impact on it. Your academic record for the rest of high school wasn't as astonishing as you would have expected. In year 11 you switched from doing Spanish, a well-loved subject, for drama, another well-loved subject. There was a new Spanish teacher that replaced the old one you loved, and your passion for it also changed. The switch wasn't a flawless choice, as it made you go through a lot of things you definitely did not expect. Drama ended up taking a lot of your time that would have been used for your science subjects, so you didn't end up collecting the credits you potentially deserved. It wasn't all bad though, since it helped you gain the starring role in your senior production of 'West Side Story', a gig you would have never thought you could possibly achieve. Hope that little fact makes you hopeful in some way. 

Bless your hopeless romantic heart, but you don't end up involved in any kind of high school romance. You'll know by the end of 2018 why this is, and why it doesn't matter at all. Don't worry, it's not too tumultuous, but it is a necessary experience to go through. 

Mum, Dad, and R are doing alright. R doesn't end up going to your high school. Instead, she's at a school where they treat her better than our high school could ever accommodate for her learning abilities. A year ago Mum earned a job at this Filipino shop and works on the weekends. Dad is still chugging along at the same workplace. We're all doing fine; as fine as it can get. Not too chaotic, not too static, and we're grateful for it. 

The prime minister, as of 2016, is Jacinda Ardern, a woman I have grown to admire as the years go on. Looking at the way other developed countries are being governed amplifies this opinion even more. If I responded to this letter in late 2019, I would have said that the world is not doing much, but a couple of months into the future I can say this: a global pandemic has struck (and another one is on its way), American police are abusing their roles, the Philippines has resorted to fascism, Yemen is undergoing a severe humanitarian crisis, and so on, so forth. It's much harder to stay optimistic nowadays, so make the most out of the world you're living in now. Recognize your privileges also.

One good thing to come out of my current personal life, however, is that I'm still best friends with C. I'm definitely lucky that she's been by my side throughout all this time, so please remember to thank her from time to time. Her development from the person you know to the person I know now has been stunning. She's currently studying economics at a university different to mine, and she tells me about her studies and residence hall life almost every day over online messages. Our friendship with her is something we should never take for granted at any time in our life. On the other hand, Y left our high school the year after you wrote the letter. We go to the same university, and when I was still up there I saw her twice. The first time I saw her after what I remember of her (the experiences you're currently going through with her) was a little strange to have in mind as we hugged and smiled through our brief conversation. But that's what you learn to do in these circumstances: you lift you chinup, sweep the history under the rug and hold a mature conversation as you're expected to have at this age. To be completely honest, you have much better things to do than dwell over some friendships that are on the brink of extinction.

You'll be happy to learn that I did get accepted into one of the accelerate classes. When you received the letter in the summer before year 10, you jumped into Mum and Dad's arms, which was one of the very rare occasions you didn't hesitate to hug anyone at that age. That was also the age you started to develop your slight egocentricity, as you always looked up to people in that class and thought you didn't need to exert much effort into the rest of you high school years now that you were able to have a head start on NCEA. Because of this, you took two sciences at a time instead of rushing to complete three throughout your senior years, which was helpful. 

You only decided to get your braces this year, with the help of Mum being recommended an orthodontist from one of our family friends. This way it's more affordable now that you've worked two jobs throughout the last three years and conserved your money well. The aim is to get them off once you finish your undergraduate, which would be the official start of the adulting phase, and what a better way to finish a milestone than to undergo a physical transformation.

My favourite song at the moment consists of a handful of tunes that make me dance. That ranges from '80s rock hits, '00s hip hop, and '10s pop. Whatever it takes to distract you from the world you live in today. Hard-hitting facts, but it's important to remain transparent. No, I'm not a fan of 'Girl Meets World' anymore since that show ended years ago, but I still watch some older TV shows here and there. Honestly, whatever pops up on my Twitter timeline, I attempt to watch. I'm not necessarily attributed with a TV show phase at the moment, so I'm indifferent to that part of my interests for now.

Unless they change their name or gender identity, I think everyone remains the same person they were years ago, but with a development in maturity. I still look back on who I was writing that letter and see the same person, only more naive and optimistic. I'm not running 'Marian's Everyday Life' or 'Electra and Marian' anymore as of late 2017, but instead created a new blog where I write to our future daughters, Violet and Olivia. This is a little strange; writing a letter to my past self, but at the same time our future self might be reading this to her children. In a way I'm traveling to the past and also to the future through these words. To both instances I say hi.

Those plans you had for the summer stayed strictly as plans. My memory might be a little bit loose but I believe you ended up spending hours surfing through the internet and never left your room. From time to time you helped with the chores such as washing the dishes after every dinner, but otherwise it remained a typical unproductive holiday period. You still got into the accelerate class for year 10, so don't get worried whether or not I scowl at you through this letter. Rest up and make the most of this break.

Am I sure about what I'm doing nowadays? Never, and it will stay that way for the remainder of my life. Saying this with a grain of salt, it's what makes life exciting. Things are always changing, so I'm always uncertain with every plan I come up with because there are always going to be aspects that are beyond my control. I just have to keep reminding myself that life isn't supposed to be easy, and that everyone reaches a point of failure in life, so I'm not the only one who is bound to live a non-flawless life. Yes, that advice from Dad is very important, and I do take it into mind. Sometimes I take it into mind too much. Nevertheless, it's still very important.

I'm proud of you too, 12 year old Marian. You have all my respect. Best of luck for what's yet to come.

Love,

18 year old Marian