A Different Kind of Tension

Dear Violet and Olivia,

My re-transition into normal university life has overall been okay at face value, but I've become aware of how much it tests my anxiety. At the time I'm writing this I've just finished my first week of semester 2, which has to be the slowest week of my life. Of course a large factor has to be that we have moved from the sanctuary (for others, hell-like) of online study to regular on-campus study. One thing I'm personally thankful for is being in a country that has successfully contained the virus and everything has returned back to normal in a timeframe of three months. This means I've been able to return to my second home of my university dormitory, where I can actually talk to people my age. I'm not saying I don't appreciate my family, I just think exposure to people my age would be best for my mental development. I also can't see my friends often since they all study different things, so in a way the hall unites us. 

Pushing the gratefulness aside, while lovely and significant to acknowledge, I had my first panic attack last night. Oddly enough in the first four weeks before lockdown, my mental health didn't get as bad as in the present. Mayhaps I was still in anticipation mode and excited to see what unfolded before me. But now that I've experienced the foundational ropes beforehand, on top of the 'getting too comfortable' part of quarantining at home, my brain has twisted into a more irregular and complex structure, and my small head can't accommodate it. Or at least I have to train it. I think one crying hour per week would suffice and reduce the burden of it. 

I'm sorry I'm very nihilistic about something as important as mental health. I think it's the gen z tiktok humor I've been influenced by. God, when did humor become so self-deprecating? I think it's toxic but at the same time I think generational humor is bound to evolve into the most unexpected of depths. Anyway, I also want to apologize that this letter has gone through so many tangents. Right now I am in the common room of my floor, where many things are happening and people are actively talking. I'm at the quiet table where across from me one of my guy friends is catching up on his study. 

Next week's the ball. I hope I get to tell you all about it and not get swamped in uni work.

Love,
Maui

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