Changed Dynamics

Dear Violet & Olivia,

I thought I developed a good rhythm going on here with checking in with you every week, but you know me: I'm never consistent. Uni got busier, a second lockdown was enforced, and my mental health was tested even more. Now that I have the time and somewhat creativity to illustrate my life since I last wrote to you, let's pick up where I left off.

The funny thing about leaving you where I did is that a lot of things changed that very week. On the Tuesday night, we had a floor pizza night that we won from winning a competition a while back. I had just come back home after an intense study session at the library, so I was feeling a little bit worn out and anxious. One of the thoughts running in my head was actually thinking that some of the girls on my floor had a negative impression of me, which stemmed from some of them ranting about some other people on the floor who they thought were annoying. After eating some pizza and sitting down in the common room, I became a little silent but at the same time insecure about my silence, so I tried talking to one of those girls, asking how their day had gone, and then I started crying. I completely covered my sobbing face with my hands, hoping no one would see except the girl I was talking to (which I didn't want but I knew it was inevitable), but everyone in the common room noticed, and one of them held me in an embrace while the girl I was talking to kept prompting me that I didn't deserve to feel this anxious. I remember one of her sayings was "You're such a lovely girl," which felt a little bit awkward to hear since it came off like she thought I was a child in need of a lollipop. She, the girl hugging me, and another girl they're friends with, led me to her room because I needed privacy. After a few moments of continued validation speak, I put a halt to my sobbing session. And then all of sudden, we all got a message from the floor group chat about our prime minister holding an announcement.

And *triumphant noises*, it was a sudden move back to lockdown in several hours. We were all in shock, congregating in the common room again. After watching very intently, we began hugging each other since some of us thought we'd end up moving back to our real homes. And to top it all off, it was the birthday of the girl I cried in front of. So it was quite the eventful and significant couple of hours for our floor, but I guess it's another reminder that we should all expect the unexpected.

As of now we've eased into less restrictive conditions but we're still in online school, and it's likely to end by next Thursday, so I think we're on the homestretch, unless future me proves me wrong in a couple months' time when I write to you again. My mental health has gotten much worse than the first lockdown when I was back at my real home, and I think it's because of many things. Firstly, I'm living with people my age. Yes, it's unusual since I missed this as I lived in my bedroom and spent my leisure time with myself and mealtime with my family, but for some reason I've become more irritated at my peers. It's none of their faults, it's rather mine, which leads me to the next point. Secondly, I'm working in the tinier space that is dorm room, which has barely enough space between my desk and my bed, so I'm always tempted and eventually fall into the trap of taking naps when I don't originally plan to. There are other options, such as taking a short walk to the library, and going to the study room of the residence hall, but I just don't like being caught dead studying with my resting b-word face, nor do I like knowing that other people are in the room, and they might hear me subconsciously muttering a few words I'm reading under my breath, or singing along to the song playing through my headphones. 

Nowadays I predominantly hang out with one girl on my floor, and I feel like she's the only one who hasn't made me feel anxious or irritated. Late last half of the semester we found out we both have similar tastes in TV shows and movies, so when I came back from mid-semester break I introduced her to one of the shows I watched over the break, and she did the same with a show she watched. I'm quite grateful for her, since I feel like I'd have nobody else since everyone has split into their separate groups. Hopefully we have some moments as a big floor group where we actually get along, with such little time we have left living in the hall this year.

I'm gonna go watch a new TV show that just came out on Netflix. I can't wait to find another time where I can write to you again.

Love,

Maui