To All the Girls I've Loved Before - Letter 4

 Dear Number 4,

Just like my other crushes, my feelings for you switch on and off. But unlike my other crushes, my feelings for them are not as intense as how I feel for you. I might be overreacting with what I'm about to say, but I feel like you might end up breaking my heart the most.

You were the first person I properly met when I moved into our residence hall. When I opened my door to greet you, I was mesmerized by everything. You were the most beautiful girl I had ever met. By the moment I shook your hand, I knew I was going to admire from a distance. The irony of it all was that you were right next door, and I was going to dream of you a paper thin wall away.

From then on, I loved every moment I had the opportunity to bond with you. We became super close throughout orientation week due to being podmates. By the end of the week, when we were at the beach, I even broke the wall of acquaintanceship and jokingly insulted you like we had already known each other for years. I found peace in you just like that.

It continued like that until I went home suddenly for lockdown. I didn't realize I had to be at home for three months straight before I ever saw you in real life again. The night before, we treated it as if I was going to be away for only a week. Who knew that it'd end up being worth an entire winter? I was only left to scroll through pictures I had taken with and of you, play back memories in my head like that time when a floormate said something that sent us into a fit of laughter for ten minutes on the common room couch, and seconds worth of Snapchats and other messages. You came back to the residence hall late during those three months, and I was envious of our floormates who were able to be graced by your presence again.

When I arrived the week before uni started up again for semester two, I jumped into your arms, and almost cried when I realized I could touch and see you again. We talked to each other as if we weren't separated for three months, and I teased you mercilessly. I think my favourite moment was toward the end of the week at the formal dinner when we tried to guess the names of the other's parents. However I think nothing can compare to a few minutes later when you joked that I was your girlfriend. I swear my heart escaped from my body from beating so fast that I couldn't speak for several seconds. 

That castle of a bond we built slowly came tumbling down when I found you getting closer to a few other floormates, and I became jealous again. But this was a much nastier kind of jealousy compared to the previous one, because I experienced it first hand. The giggling I heard through the paper thin wall, the going down to dinner without calling for me, the spot on the couch next to you being taken. My jealousy was so ferocious that I created a dispute with your friends, which I immediately regretted when it only made things between us disappear even more. 

On the day I moved out I was considering confessing to you, but with the lack of interactions between us I realized it wasn't the best move. You hugged me with not much to say and I was gone. 

During December I didn't think much of you since I had a job to focus on, but I'm writing this after I just arrived from a week-long holiday, so my mind has been able to wander to other things. So I ended up dreaming of you last night which prompted me to write this letter. It was a cute dream, actually, but one I don't want to revisit because I know it won't ever happen in real life. I should be okay with that fact, but I'm just not.

I wish I was able to tell you how much you mean to me. But we've gone down separate paths, mainly interact with different people, and will probably live far away from each other when we move into the new residence hall. I might see you around, but I just know the initial ease from when we first met will always cease to be recreated. I wish I could say I'm in love with you, but the unrequitedness I'm all too familiar with crushes that reality.

Maui

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