Dedicated to Violet and Olivia

Dear Violet and Allegra, I'm at uni!!!! I can't believe I've made it this far into my life. I mean, I have thought about meeting each of you in my early 30s, but I never acknowledged that part of that plan was having to undergo the chunky chapter of getting a Bachelor's degree first. Wild. At the moment I have just endured my first week of uni (sans the rest of my Sunday, but rounding up I've spent a week at university so far) which we call 'O-Week' and it's been an entirely different dimension to my own expectations. I've defied all expectations that 'one week ago Marian' could fathom, including establishing a decent friend group and making friends beyond my hall. I've also had barely any time to myself just because a majority of it is spent in the common room or walking around town with my newfound friends. For once, I feel proud of myself in the social aspect of my life. The hall I am living at was the only hall I visited on Open...

Dear Violet and Allegra, Every new year it's a tradition for me and my family to go to the fireworks display held in our local community, but I'm going to sit this one out. As the clock turns into the first 00:00 of the next decade, I'll be exactly where I am now, which is sitting/lying down on my bed contemplating why my mind is built the way it is. Today I had an anxiety attack. That doesn't happen often for me, at least not in the last twelve months. Often I just put those damaging thoughts aside and distract myself by scrolling endlessly through my social media feeds. But today just had to be the day that those thoughts all built up and exploded, catching me completely off guard to the point where I cried in the parking lot of my workplace. I think the negativity of my thoughts stem from my battle with social anxiety. Every time I have to immerse myself in a social situation outside of my close friend group or immediate family, my mouth dries out, making my vo...

Dear Violet and Allegra, Three months have passed and we're into a whole new season. To further emphasize how long it's taken for me to sit down and write this letter, today is also the last proper day of high school for me. While I do acknowledge that it's an important event to reach in my life, I've been craving for this day for a long while. Every adult I've talked to has mentioned how much they envy me being at my age. "High school was the best time of my life!" "I had the best experiences ever at that age." "Best four years of my life." I do acknowledge that I've had countless good experiences throughout my high school life, like the school ball and the drama productions I've participated in. To put it as minimally dramatic as possible, I feel like I've been trapped for a long while being here. Fair point, I don't wear the color of independence with flair, but in order for me to do that I really need to be throw...

Dear Violet and Allegra, It's such an annoying thing to be criticized. My usual reaction to this occurrence is by acting upon it, and putting myself in the shoes of the person giving this opinion. However, when it comes to something as personal as my relationship status, I refuse to change. I've had quite a journey accepting who I am as a person, including what I've experienced in the past and how my personality adjusts to those situations. This mainly began last year, where I believe the frequency of crushes I underwent in the 365 days was at its highest peak out of all years throughout my existence. It started out slow and subtle, sticking to this boy I liked from the year prior. Until we reached April when he left under mysterious circumstances. My next 'victim' didn't come around until June, when I fell for a year 13 guy in my drama class. As a younger year 12 being lower than him in the social hierarchy, my attempts at making him fall in love with me ba...

Dear Marian mid-West Side, You catch yourself wondering what life would be like after the show. You think about how empty it would be, no longer having an excuse to act someone who isn't yourself. From here on in it's uni prep, uni prep, driving lessons, uni prep. I can tell you it's definitely a change from the dramatic arts. At this point you've moved on, not including the occasional trilling of 'I Have a Love' subconsciously in the shower. I guess it's a component that will stay with you, like a little puppy following your every step in those anime movies. As you would expect too, I feel empty. I dig my head into differentiating trigonometric functions, writing about blood glucose homeostasis, and writing time series reports. The way I feel being around my friends is almost lifeless. Right before I went into biology, I occupied my interval burying my head in my notebook and chanting 'glycogen phosphorylase'. Not much makes up of our conversati...

Dear Violet and Allegra, As usual, I've attempted many times to write letters to you and never complete them. You'd think I'd go back to finishing them, but I don't as I can't fabricate the same energy as I wrote them in the moment. It's a terrible feature, considering I enjoy drama and that requires fabricating certain energies, but it's the same as trying to explain why I'm not as outgoing as other drama kids. Tangent aside, I've gotten down to writing this letter because I have that vibe to write. Last time I wrote I was still in rehearsals for West Side (I also don't believe we even finished blocking the show. How time flies), and now it's been a full month since our closing night. I'm not as depressed as I was a couple of weeks ago. If I was still depressed post-show pessimistic Marian writing this you wouldn't be able to read words you are familiar with (Hell, it would be unreadable at all). The Marian writing this has also ...

Dear Violet and Allegra, You're currently catching me in a state of confusion, nerves, annoyance, anxiety, etc. It's how I feel every day of my life, but it's turning into explosive energy. I'm sitting in scholarship class, also known as the class I was supposed to be in two letters ago when I was 'on the run' (pun totally intended). Guess who I'm sitting next to, two desks away: Tony. In the flesh, as I sit with him during class, he doesn't exhibit the characters vibes. You could never tell that he was playing the lovesick, hopeless guy who would sacrifice his life just to be with a girl he met in a high school gym. Neither the person I know who tries so desperately to learn his lines when we're offstage. Earlier he was getting on the most extreme of my nerves when he was being obnoxious about the climate change strike happening next period to the other obnoxious boys in the class. Unfortunately, I have the dishonor of being surrounded by them a...