Dedicated to Violet and Olivia

Part I: 15/07/20 Dear Violet and Olivia, One week from today I will be back in my dorm room after three months being at home. I've bought a bus ticket and have almost finished packing, so all that's left to do is wait, and then I'll take on my second semester from there. But I have to admit that I want this wait to be longer.  Yes, I felt nervous for my first ever semester, but I feel like the apprehension has grown in more menace this time around. I can count the number of times I've left this house on my fingers during the three months I've spent in remote study, and it has definitely impacted my mind. The thought of restarting every single thing I had already established terrifies me. I know it will be easier now that I had laid the foundation like making friends and developing a sense of the city, but I still can't help but feel nervous.  I absolutely admonish the adjusting period for everything. For me, especially, it takes a while for any kind of situation...

Dear Violet and Olivia, When I was twelve, fresh out of intermediate and just starting secondary school, I wrote a letter to my eighteen year old self. I read it on my eighteenth birthday once I came home from my dinner with friends and family, but I've been putting off writing back. While I have some time off of uni, I've decided to write back. Here's what the original letter said: 6/07/14 Dear 18-year-old Marian, Hello! It's so lovely to write to you. How are you? I hope you are happy. Before you go to university, I have a few websites for you: academicearth.org en.wikiuniversity.org selfcontrolapp.com Speaking of university, what one are you choosing? Do you still aspire to be a psychologist? I hope you have scored an astonishing amount of excellences and merits, but mostly excellences. I want to ask so many questions. But first, I will ask about your love life. Who is your special someone? Do I know him now? Is your relationship just like Corpanga's?...

Dear Violet and Olivia, I've just finished my first semester of my first year at university! It has been eventful but also very, very slow due to the online setup us students have been subjected to. My mind has been constantly occupied about the 'what if' of the non-pandemic reality. Would I have failed all my courses if my labs weren't virtual? What kind of situations would I find myself in with my friends from halls? Would I have been able to make more friends during my classes? I'm sure everybody has been thinking about this, especially those in different countries who are experiencing longer lockdown conditions. Here in New Zealand, as you might have heard either in your social studies classes or word of mouth from me, everything is pretty much back to normal. I believe we're still in level 1 of Jacinda's system, or the system has been let go of entirely. I don't really notice anymore. My hall friends and I are still messaging online and I receive vi...

Dear Violet and Olivia, A lot has happened since I wrote to you, and I don't just mean in my own world. If you're taking social studies or history or whatever it is called in whichever level of education you are at, you most likely have heard about the corona virus outbreak of 2020. Yes, just as we begin a new decade, a pandemic (take note: not just an epidemic) strikes our world. On top of the upcoming recession, the alarming rate of global warming, and the absent-minded actions of the bigger world leaders, a deadly virus has made such a grand entrance to the point where we have to undergo weeks of self-isolation. It's times like this that make me wonder if the end of the world is supposed to happen at any second by now, but the fact it hasn't happened yet genuinely surprises me. What I'm about to write in the next several sentences may sound selfish, but I have to keep reminding myself that it is my perspective, and it is valid to think this way. Due to the ...

Dear Violet and Allegra, I'm at uni!!!! I can't believe I've made it this far into my life. I mean, I have thought about meeting each of you in my early 30s, but I never acknowledged that part of that plan was having to undergo the chunky chapter of getting a Bachelor's degree first. Wild. At the moment I have just endured my first week of uni (sans the rest of my Sunday, but rounding up I've spent a week at university so far) which we call 'O-Week' and it's been an entirely different dimension to my own expectations. I've defied all expectations that 'one week ago Marian' could fathom, including establishing a decent friend group and making friends beyond my hall. I've also had barely any time to myself just because a majority of it is spent in the common room or walking around town with my newfound friends. For once, I feel proud of myself in the social aspect of my life. The hall I am living at was the only hall I visited on Open...

Dear Violet and Allegra, Every new year it's a tradition for me and my family to go to the fireworks display held in our local community, but I'm going to sit this one out. As the clock turns into the first 00:00 of the next decade, I'll be exactly where I am now, which is sitting/lying down on my bed contemplating why my mind is built the way it is. Today I had an anxiety attack. That doesn't happen often for me, at least not in the last twelve months. Often I just put those damaging thoughts aside and distract myself by scrolling endlessly through my social media feeds. But today just had to be the day that those thoughts all built up and exploded, catching me completely off guard to the point where I cried in the parking lot of my workplace. I think the negativity of my thoughts stem from my battle with social anxiety. Every time I have to immerse myself in a social situation outside of my close friend group or immediate family, my mouth dries out, making my vo...

Dear Violet and Allegra, Three months have passed and we're into a whole new season. To further emphasize how long it's taken for me to sit down and write this letter, today is also the last proper day of high school for me. While I do acknowledge that it's an important event to reach in my life, I've been craving for this day for a long while. Every adult I've talked to has mentioned how much they envy me being at my age. "High school was the best time of my life!" "I had the best experiences ever at that age." "Best four years of my life." I do acknowledge that I've had countless good experiences throughout my high school life, like the school ball and the drama productions I've participated in. To put it as minimally dramatic as possible, I feel like I've been trapped for a long while being here. Fair point, I don't wear the color of independence with flair, but in order for me to do that I really need to be throw...